Reflections on the Year of Discipline

Here I am, sitting at home on a Saturday night. This is not wholly ususual, except for the fact that, tonight I had interesting plans set up to go out, and I made the decision that I needed to stay in and work on myself instead of going out and trying to meet other people.

A year ago, I don't think that I would have made the same decision.

One thing that I have been wanting to do recently, is to sit down and reflect on the changes that I have made in my life this year. So, here I go:

At the beginning of the year, my New Year's Resolution was that 2007 would be the "Year of Discipline," namely, self-discipline. At the end of 2006, I was unhappy with myself. I had so many visions for myself, and so many notions of the things that I SHOULD be doing, but so many times when it came to making the effort to do those things, I would be too tired, or too busy, or rationalize some reason why I shouldn't do the things I needed to do, or tell myself that I would do them later. In some sense, I was lazy, but really it was more a matter of giving in to my immediate desires, such as hunger, or boredom, or loneliness, rather than taking control over those desires in order to find fulfillment on a higher level.

So, my goal for 2007 was not a set of discrete tangible goals, such as losing 10 lbs, or giving up fast food, or remembering to floss my teeth (although on some level I did do those things), but it was one larger goal of gaining control over myself. I started small, with dieting, and then I began working out. At different times over the year I temporarily gave up many different things, such as drinking, sweets, shaving, video games, etc. Some with actual intended physical benefits, and some just as mental exercises in an effort to gain control over my body and mind. I also did some heavy reading and thinking along the way.

Overall, the Year of Discipline has been a smashing success. Here are some things that I have done/learned:

- Physically, I lost between 15 - 20 lbs, and converted a significant portion of my weight from fat to muscle. I'm far from perfect, and not yet the best that I can be, but I am in the best shape of my life and making progress all the time. I feel much better about myself.

- I've learned that I can have self-control, but that being too disciplined can be almost as bad as having no self-control.

- I've learned that the best way to tackle my problems is to start with small goals, and make progress each day, instead of trying to move the earth in a day. For example, instead of going from not working out regularly at all to working out 4-5 days a week with a strict lifting routine that pushes my limits, it helps to just get in the gym 3 days a week, and maybe just do the eliptical or stairmaster or something, and then work my way up to a more intense routine each week. This makes the chances of succeeding in week 1 much more realistic, and being able to feel like I am making progress each week is very motivating for the next week.
A similar example would be giving up sweets. If you are a person that eats sweets every day, it is much more realistic to first try limiting yourself to one sweet a day for a while, and then one every other day, and then one dessert a week, instead of trying to give up sweets for a month cold turkey. If you strive for instant perfection, you are almost guaranteed to fail, and you will end up hurting your self-confidence and feeling shitty about yourself. On the other hand, if you simply strive for progress, you will little by little end up achieving more than you may have thought possible.

- On a similar note, I have learned to accept progress instead of demanding perfection from myself. I will use another physical example, even though I am only using the physical examples to describe much deeper concepts. I have gotten in much better shape this year, but I am in no way satisfied with my appearance. Now that I see that it is possible to get in shape, I notice even more things about my body that, with just a little more effort, I could make even better. I imagine that this feeling will never go away. In the extreme, it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend who was a recovering anorexic and struggled with her body. She was so skinny, but would notice the smallest changes in her weight and get so upset about them, always wanting to be skinnier. I thought that she was totally crazy at the time, but now I understand her better. My natural inclination, and influences from my childhood, have always led me to demand perfection from myself, and while I achieved a lot, I always felt like I was failing. This year, I have learned that being the best that I can be doesn't mean being perfect, it means always moving forward. I cannot say that this year I gained full self-control, but I made a tremendous amount of progress, and I've learned that progress is enough. I am very proud of myself. Even the concept itself of accepting progress instead of demanding perfection is something that I am still struggling with, but I am making progress each day.

- Again on the same note, I have learned that there are some things about myself that I cannot control, at least not yet. I have also learned that it is good to be aware of these things. For instance, despite all the progress that I have made this year, I still struggle more in the winter than in the spring and summer. The winter and the holidays are just harder for me. The weather has a huge impact on my mood, and I also get more lonely at this time of year. I know damn well that this happens, but I still can't seem to stop it. All I can do is take comfort that I am doing better this winter than I was last winter, and the fact that I struggle in the winter doesn't mean that all of the progress that I made this year is meaningless. Another good thing that I have learned about myself is that I will not be happy with myself if I don't do something physical that day. I am learning to forgive myself and still be happy on the days when I don't have a chance to work out, and to plan my schedule to try to make sure I have chances to work out, but it is tough.

- I have learned that it is much easier to avoid temptation then overcome it. If there is food sitting in front of me, it is almost impossible for me not to eat it (although I have gotten much better at it this year). Likewise, it is much easier to get work done at the office then at home surrounded by my schmorgasboard of potential distractions (hmm...i should listen to this advice more often). Also, the best way to eat healthy is to fill my house with lots of healthy food, and only healthy food, so that when I get hungry, there are plenty of healthy snack options available, and no unhealthy options. I would call this a strategy of turning the smart choice into the easy choice.


- Finally, I have learned that I can inspire other people by my example. At the beginning of the year, I was afraid that I would lose ground with my friends by going to the gym instead of going to happy hour or going out with them. Instead, my friends started coming to the gym with me. They started dieting with me. They started thanking me for encouraging them to be disciplined. My goal was to help myself to become a better person, and in doing so, I inspired others to do the same. This was something that I did not forsee, and has been one of the most rewarding parts of the year of discipline.

On that note, let me close by introducing my goal for 2008. I hereby declare 2008 the "Year of Responsibility." As New Year's approaches, I will post a list of more specific goals that I have for 2008. For now, I will say that the main idea is that now that I have learned that I have the power of self-control, the next step is to use that power to do good. Now that I have control of my actions, I would like to spend more of my time doing actions that make an impact and help myself and others. I have already written more in this post than I intended to, so I will leave it at that, and discuss the Year of Responsibility more in my next post.